THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE

futbol fevah '95

shelby: ugh i don't want to go out and watch this game today but i think i have to try and fake like i care about it
heather: DEAR LEADER
YOU MUST RESPECT HIM
shelby: i want to piss off all the brazilian fans by doing that
heather: hee hee
go backcomb your hair
shelby: man i should go to bissim baobab in the mission or whatever
heather: make it look like a korean fro
hahahahha
shelby: i'lll wear those uggs mom gave me because they have like a 2 inch heel
now i just need sunglasses and the worlds largest dvd collection
and a shitload of famine victims
heather: YES
AS MANY AS YOU CAN CARRY
THEY ARE LIGHT SO IT WON'T BE HARD

horrorscope

heather: today will be different
wait
did you read your horoscope
did it say "today will be a day like any other day"
shelby: hahahaha
i wish
i haven't read horoscopes in forever
heather: go read the onion one
shelby: ok!
heather: that's a good one
that machinist knows his shit
shelby: aaaaa
i don't want a baby on my doorstep
why do people keep fucking up this apartment with wilmas
THE DAYCARE IS 418 NOT 420
hmmmph
sorry that was kind of a bad joke
heather: hahahahhaha
no it's great
sorry
shelby: it's cool
heather: i had to go get a tea and i came back to that
that rules
shelby: i thought it was great that that particular horoscope could be applicable to me in a really convoluted way
that never happens
heather: what was the horoscope
i didn't even read it
they just make me laugh a lot
shelby: Libra You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
heather: hahahhahahaha
that rules
shelby: IT'S PERFECT
they just need to replace weeks with years

because "burpfetishboard.com" was taken

heather: hey do you still have the sandman books
shelby: somewhere i should
heather: it's no big deal
shelby: did you need me to look up something?
heather: luke had to read all of them in like 2 weeks
and he's like I'M SO TIRED OF SANDMAN I AINT READING THE LAST 3
shelby: he has to though
the last three are basically the end of the series
assuming you're leaving out the sandman book that came out in like 2003
heather: wow
i didn't realize there was another
shelby: there are 2 actually
i forgot the japanese one
if he has any questions tell him to im me i love sandman
heather: i will!
we started talking about sandman
shelby: also i am bored out of my mind
oh cool
heather: and now we're talking about uh
outdated parody novels
like chicken poop for the soul
shelby: hahahaha
wasn't there a parody series for goosebumps
heather: WAS THERE
shelby: i don't remember one for the baby sitters club
i'm pretty sure there was
heather: i dont think there was a baby sitters club one
shelby: gooseflumps
it was short lived apparently
heather: haha nice
shelby: oh jesus christ i just looked at the url for what i looked up
burpfetishforums.org/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=452
heather: AH
WHY
shelby: BURP FETISH FORUM
AAAAA
I DON'T KNOW
that is like the most unfortunate url ever
heather: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU LOOKING UP
ITS NOT EVEN LIKE A JOKE URL THAT'S WHAT THE SITE REALLY IS
shelby: I WAS JUST LOOKING UP GOOSEBUMPS
I TYPED GOOSEBUMPS PARODY SERIES INTO GOOGLE AND THAT WAS ON THE SECOND PAGE
heather: this is so going on the blog

WE'RE BACK A DINOSAUR'S STORY

heather: hey do you remember the name of the coyote dad skinned and kept in the garage and if anyone ever found it
shelby: we called him mister stinky but i don't think he had a name other than that
heather: mr stinky!
i knew it was mister something
shelby: and no as far as i know no one found him
heather: and i could remember there was the seagull he ran over, tatters
but i couldnt remember the coyote
shelby: bonny might have quietly disposed of him if he was in the garage
aaaaaaa tatters!
i forgot about him
heather: heh heh i bet she probably screamed
how could you forget about TATTERS
heh oh man i know if you run a pigeon over with a car it goes POP
shelby: ewwwwww
heather: so i wonder if you run a seagull over with a boat it goes FWOOOOOM
shelby: ahahahahahaha
poor little tatters
i hate seagulls but what a gruesome way to go
heather: ah they're disgusting things
they stole your hotdog remember
you hate seagulls
shelby: i do hate them
they're mean and thieves to boot
heather: yeah that's right
hey by the way i'm gonna replace every time you said "seagull" with "mexican" and then post this online ok
and i changed your screen name to your full name
so you're properly attributed for the stuff i'm pretending you said

stores with cats couldn't really get driven into the ground, lord knows i tried

shelby: http://theresnoreasontolive.tumblr.com/
dork66: nerrrrrrrrrrd
shelby: it was her idea
dork66: whatever happened to stores with cats
dot blogspot
dot com
that was my idea
I guess my ideas suck
THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE

there is no safe place for shelby anymore

GAY BOYFRIEND: *poke*
shelby: hi hi
GAY BOYFRIEND: hey dere
how you doing?
shelby: sleepyish
it's rainy here
GAY BOYFRIEND: yay rainy
shelby: so i keep dozing
it's really nice
GAY BOYFRIEND: awesome
shit's all broken here
shelby: aw man
like how
GAY BOYFRIEND: some service for one of our partners crashed
and everyone's running around freaking out about root causes and runbooks and shit
and it's just boring and i don't want to care about it on monday
shelby: that sounds hecka lame
GAY BOYFRIEND: it just sucks is all
i dunno sometimes
sometimes i feel like
THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g
where's my kayak?
shelby: oh god dammit
GAY BOYFRIEND: aaaaaaaaaaahahahaha
shelby: OH GOD DAMMIT NOT YOU TOO
GAY BOYFRIEND: i've been waiting WEEKS to do that
shelby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
GAY BOYFRIEND: WEEEEEEKS
shelby: jesus h christ
i think i have to kill you now
somehow
GAY BOYFRIEND: awesome
shelby: HEATHER WHAT HAVE YOU CREATED

ROCKINGBIRDS

shelby: www.youtube.com/watch?v=89Kz8Nxb-Bg
heather: WHOA
ROCKIN BIRDS
wait
is it mockinbird or mockingbird
shelby: mocking
heather: i know those are finches
ha cool
ROCKINGBIRDS
shelby: ahahaha
heather: oh man
i just saw there's this show at the improv next tuesday
its all conan's writers
and it's got mccann
AND ITS SOLD OUT
THAT CAN'T BE
I CANT BELIEVE IT
THERES
THERES NO REASON TO LIVE
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g
shelby: GODDAMNIT
I MISSED ALMOST ALL OF THAT
i had to go give chip the ethernet cable crimper
heather: OH MY GOD
I CANT BELIEVE IT
shelby: ahahaha
heather: I CANT BELIEVE YOU MISSED ALL THAT
THERES
THERES
THERES
NO
REASON
TO
LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g
shelby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
heather: www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g
shelby: oh my god i'm dying
i'm dying and it's all your fauly
fault
AND DON'T SAY OH MY GOD MY SISTER'S DYING THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE

sometimes we're goofy without resorting to tired running gags

shelby: what regretful mixed drink do you have tonight
heather: the first one is an orange egg cream with vanilla vodka
i was like "oh look its 97% fat free"
and andrew goes THAT MEANS ITS 3% FAT, NORMAL SODA HAS NO FAT
shelby: ahahahahahahaha
he's right you know
how does it taste though?
heather: i like it
tastes like a orange cream shake
shelby: yummy
where did you get the egg cream?
heather: bevmo
i got vanilla too
shelby: neato
heather: i was going to make a drink that had half vanilla egg cream half strawberry soda as the base
and i don't know what as the alcohol
i got kirsch and uh
irish whiskey
i could make this real gross
is this bad that i'm telling you this
shelby: oogh
nope
it's funny
heather: or are you remembering when you made horrible decisions too
is it better if i tell you i'm typing this from the bathtub while i'm playing elliott smith
and drinking pink and orange drinks
i got little umbrellas
shelby: DON'T DO IT YOU GOT SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR

shelby attempts, heather succeeds

shelby: i had a good day today
i played ps3 with chip
heather: cool
shelby: and we just went to the store
but they didnt have my gatorade flavor
and that made me feel
like
THERES NO REASON TO LIVE
ugh i cant do the set up like you do
heather: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
i shoulda seen that coming
you have to make it sound kind of dire
like escalate the situation
first slowly
shelby: hm ok
heather: then like preposterously
for example
let's chat
ask me how my day was
shelby: okay
how was your day
heather: eh it was pretty cool i guess
like i talked with robert
and he asked if i had ever seen liam lynch's podcast
and i said no, but i heard sifl and olly were on it sometimes
and he was like "sifl and olly who"
i couldn't believe it
so i asked him again and he was like "yeah this is the first i had heard of this guy"
"i read about him on boing boing"
shelby: haha
heather: and i went OH NO
OH SHIT
shelby: ahahaha
heather: OH MY GOD
THERES
THERES NO REASON TO LIIIIIIIIVE
*kayak*

something's wrong with youtube

heather: so youtube was acting kinda funky this morning, i dont know if you saw
it was really weird
shelby: no i didn't what happened?
was it HACKED BY CHINESE
heather: ha no
that would have been funny
shelby: i haven't seen that happen in a while
heather: no it was the damndest thing, every time i'd go there no matter what i clicked i'd only get one video in result
it was so frustrating
shelby: wow
was it the same one?
heather: yeah over and over
and it got me real mad
and i was like GOD DAMMIT YOUTUBE
shelby: hahaha
oh man
heather: WHY ARE YOU ONLY GIVING ME http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IHO0mKjy8g WHEN I SEARCH
THERE'S NO REASON TO LIIIIIIIIIIIVE wheres my kayak
shelby: FUUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOOOU
ahahahaahahhahaa
heather: YES
2 DAYS IN A ROW
I AM THE CHAMPION OF THE INTERNET
shelby: oh my god my stomach
i hate you forever
heather: thanks buddy
that was awesome
your stomach will grow back
you're part starfish, right